My Aila would have turned 6 months tomorrow, on Christmas Eve. I'm not usually one to dwell on dates, but this one definitely stings. It's my favorite time of the year, and this is the first time I have ever had my joy for the season tempered with such sadness. This is undoubtably a hard time to be without someone you love and my heart and prayers are with any of you who may be experiencing the same heartbreak.
I had so many expectations about what this Christmas would be this year. That we would hang 4 stockings on the mantle or that she would be sitting up or rolling over by now. Or that she may get to see her first snow in Tahoe. Asher is also starting to process his loss in a different way than he did when we first lost her. He's realizing that he doesn't have a sister like he was supposed to and frequently asks us why his friends get to have siblings to play with when he doesn't. That breaks my heart more than anything.
This season is filled with so many amazing traditions and memories though, so my sadness is resisted with great joy. It is pretty incredible to look back and see all of the healing that we have experienced in just half a year. I surprise myself daily with how far I have come, when I thought I may be in a ball on the floor for months and months to come. It feels like forever, yet it feels like she was just here yesterday. Hope is ever present, and I know now that we are going to survive.
I'm finding peace and happiness in what surrounds me – Asher's contagious smile and excitement about Christmas morning, Ryan's steadfast strength and support, giving gifts to loved ones, the abundant love from my Father. And of course the food! My grief still creeps in, mostly at night, but these days it's overshadowed by the thankfulness for the many blessings that we have in our life. Thinking about her and looking at her picture brings me more comfort and pride than anything lately. I may actually find the strength tomorrow to revisit her grave for the first time after her burial to celebrate her sweet life and everything that she means to us.
My prayer for anyone that is mourning the loss of a child is that you can find the delicate balance of grief and joy over these next couple of days. It's like walking on a tight-rope, but it is doable and it is not worth letting the grief overcome you and steal the good moments that make life worth living.
My love to all of you and thank you for being a part of our journey and our online community! We are so thankful for you and all of the support you show us as a family, as well as the impact that you make personally on my blog, or my social media sites by offering your support to others traveling similar journeys.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!
All my love,
Kat Crow
Praying for you and your family. We are missing our little one who would be 2 years old, it’s always more difficult around the holidays. It is such a delicate balance of grieving and remembering the ones you’ve lost while appreciating the ones you have around you. Happy Christmas to you and your family! I hope you have comfort and peace this Christmas season.
Maddy L
Beautifully said. My thoughts are with you and your family, and all those who are going through the same thing.
Anastasia Beaverhausen III
So glad you speak about it. Many who are going through similar circumstances may feel alone. In this act of helping yourself process these feelings, you are likely helping others. Something you seem to be quite good at. May the promise of hope, peace, love and renewal be with you.
April Hennessey B
Will be praying that He fills the void, and that He gives you the peace that can only come from Him. ♡
kristin
Thanks for being so open. I lost my girl at 5 months pregnant. Her name was actually Danielle her due date would have been 12/27. I feel th e weight of that so much today but at the same time i feel like its been 4 months…it shouldnt sting so bad. Knowing you are struggling with this too is so comforting and validating. Thanks for sharing
Laurie B
Very beautifully written. My heart goes out to you and your family and I pray that you find joy in these next few days. Thank you for sharing so openly about your journey and your grief. It has helped me gain a little understanding for a few of my friends and family that have experienced loss like this.
Julie Michael
I had something similar happen with your story and the first year was so
hard to deal with the milestones my daughter would have met and us just
having another sweet being in our family. It has been 3 years since we
lost our sweet angel and it really does get easier eventually but that
first year is the hardest for sure. Wasn’t sure when I would get out of
the deep hole I felt I was drowning in. It is always reassuring
hearing other people’s stories that they went through something similar
and that you aren’t alone with the feelings and grief. YOU are not the
only one that has ever dealt with it.
Merry Christmas and with the New Year hopefully it brings you more peace!
Terry Jago
A helpful Christmas tradition is that I have ornaments with all my children’s names on them. I had 3 babes die due to prematurity. 30+yrs later it still helps to hang those ornaments together.. for those that are here to celebrate Christmas and those who never were. The picture is not terribly clear due to the brass but this one is for my son Devon, a twin, born prematurely and died. May you find comfort this Christmas season.
Helen
Sending love. The holiday seasons after losing a child can be so painful x
Rhiannon
I just ran across your story on Facebook and I’m so glad I did. Your words are comforting to me. Today, Christmas Eve, is my daughter Willa Josephine’s due date. Unfortunately, we lost her to a subchorionic hematoma this summer. I Ache for her all the time, but so much more today. Sending you and your family so much love.
Real @realfoodwholelife
Thank you for continuing to share so that her memory lives on and so that others may find strength in your story. Sending you love and peace.
Bethany
We lost our baby girl, Jubilee, on June 30, 2014. I was one day short of being 30 weeks along with her. She was stillborn from non-immune hydrops. My friend shared your blog with me while I was in the hospital recovering from my c-section. We ordered her a stocking with an angel on it from Pottery Barn and put her name on it so it’s hanging up with my other kids’ stockings. I think that really helps me. I have a picture of me holding and kissing her forehead above our fireplace and I bought lots of “Jubilee candles” (regular candles) to light in her honor this holiday season. So sad. It’s really incredible how many women are silently dealing with a loss of a child and you would never know it. Thank you for sharing your process and heart with us. I know many (including myself) are encouraged that there is someone going through a similar situation this Christmas.
Mary
Merry Christmas Danielle! Thank you for sharing your story with us. Not sure if you’ve heard of the one year book of hope or not, but our pastor mentioned it recently for the grieving process during the 1st year after losing someone you love. May be good to look into. I’d love to send it to you but not sure where to send it. Blessings to your precious family during this special & difficult holiday.
Ashley kimball
My daughter would of been 8 this year, on the 26th of November. Instead she turned 8 on July 15th and its still really hard but i live everyday as if she was still here with me. During the hard times when the bad feelings creep in and im thinking bout doing something, i ask myself, would i do this in front of my daughter? If the answer is no then i let it be because she is with me everyday and i don’t want her see me do anything bad to myself. I just stop what im doing and put it down she would not want that. Every year on her birthday i take the number of balloons she would be turning, i go to her grave and i sit and talk to her for as long as i need. I invision what her birthday would be like that day and we celebrate it together, then i let the balloons fly away to her. It had made it easier i think, to deal with the grief. Everyone deals with it in their own way thats just my way. Im unsure on what im going to do this year. I moved accross country and this coming July im not sure how ill cope with it. All i can do is hope its with peace. I hope everyone one going through this kind of loss or any kind of loss can find peace in knowing their sweet little angels are right there beside them. Know it wont ever go away but it may become easier to talk about with other and find comfort in helping others heal through this difficult prossess.
With love Ashley
Trista Clarke
My prayers are with you and your family Danielle! I am so blessed by you and your paleo recipes. I am glad you were able to be thankful and enjoy the season. Thank God for healing and hope
Kelly@TheNourishingHome
You are such a source of encouragement and inspiration, Danielle! May God continue to strengthen you and uphold you in His loving arms. You and your precious family are always in my prayers! xo
Tineke Blokzijl
Ayla’s story remains heartbreaking as ever. Even though I do not know you and your familiy at all, you are in my thoughts and prayers. It is so good to read that you are all doing well and your are moving along the path of mourning one step at a time. Ayla forever has a place in your family and your hearts. I wish you and your family strength and love.
Jodie
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. We just lost our precious special needs daughter on December 11th. I guess I am still in a state of numbness. Of course Christmas was a blurr. Your words and the comments of your readers were so helpful. Being in relationship with the God of all comfort will be what helps us take each step each day.
Kim
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We lost two babes early in in pregnancy. I never got to hold them, but I feel them about me. I have a crystal hanging in the window for each of them. When the light shines on those, rainbows float about the room. I smile each time I see that and think of them. I have a stuffed animal which I bought when I was pregnant with each of them. I hug those too. These are no replacements, but things that help a little and make me smile or hug out some of the sadness when it creeps in. I wish you many blessings, strength and healing.
Miriam
It would be Cora’s 1st birthday on Jan 19th, she was full term. She made it 5 days in the Hospital. Cora passed away because of OI just like Aila. This holiday was a hard one thinking about all the things she is missing out on and what we are missing out on as well. We miss her every single day, every hour, every minute, every second, but she is in our hearts and I know her memory will live on forever. We bought a special angel ornament for her and plan on doing it every year. Hopefully one day I don’t cry when I look at it. I hope 2015 brings you a lot of joy and hope for the future
Dianna
Thank you for sharing your story. Our baby was born on August 8th and died within an hour from Trisomy 18. I wanted to share with you a painting that my friend and artist, Sindy Strosahl made for us when I was pregnant. The baby as the angel. It is one of the few things that offered me comfort through the rest of the pregnancy. https://www.hrgiclee.com/shop/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=14_35&products_id=474&zenid=74oundqs05i8udhagia527ljj2