This blog has given me a place to share a piece of myself in an effort to help others. When I was first diagnosed with my autoimmune disease and later found I needed to do a complete overhaul on my diet, I felt extremely alone. So I began writing recipes and sharing them on here in hopes that others would not feel the same way. I want to continue showing others that they are not alone. Some posts are easier than others to write, and most are likely easier than this one to read.
I am so appreciative that so many of you have chosen to enter into our pain with us, when it would be easier on your hearts to just look away and pretend that Aila never existed. Just to read her written name in so many of your comments is healing for my heart. To know that she has left her imprint on the world in her short time is the best thing a mother could experience.
Similarly to my diagnosis, I felt entirely alone with our first pregnancy loss in 2009 and our recent infant loss of our daughter Aila. Everyone around me seemed to have effortless pregnancies and healthy babies. After I posted, I was flooded with comments and emails from my fans reaching out and telling me stories. Over a million people have read Aila's story and hundreds of thousands have shared their stories of loss. It's both heartbreaking and comforting to know just how many women have struggled with similar loss.
It is something that is not often discussed in public, because it's uncomfortable and easier left forgotten. But anyone who has gone through it is bursting inside to share their memories of their babies and relate to someone on the same level. The response I received after my initial post has made me want to share more in the same way that I share my health story, to help others walking a similar path feel like someone else understands. To let them know that things will go on, but the grief is very real and painful.
Things are far from normal, or at least the normal that we know
It would be easier to keep all of my feelings to myself, but at the same time it's almost therapeutic to release them to the world. I wanted to do this post to give you all a real update. Because I know you have been praying for us and thinking about us, and because it's so easy with social media to think that everything is just back to normal. Things are far from normal, or at least the normal that we know. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll just find a new normal and a new way to live life, and I can see how that is true already.
Yes, I'm back to cooking, moving into a new home, taking Asher to swim lessons, and riding bikes on the trail. I'm even thinking about doing a book tour in late Fall. But the days are so up-and-down, and the range of emotions that come after you lose a child are pretty indescribable. We have so much joy from getting to know her, but the same joy causes so much pain.
There's a void on my chest from where her little 1.5 lb body impressed upon it
It's been one month today since Aila was here and went. Some days, it feels like it was all a dream. Like she was never here. But most days, my entire body aches from missing her so much. There's a void on my chest from where her little 1.5 lb body impressed upon it on that special night. And I just wish I was holding her in my arms.
There's both painful and joyful reminders of her surrounding me daily – pregnant women, babies being born, my closet of maternity clothes, her empty room in our new house, and even Asher's little nose that looks identical to hers. Some days I'm grateful for those reminders. So the dream aspect is brought to reality; I can be reminded that she really was here and I'm not just imagining. But other days, the days where I'd rather just push forward with life and not be in tears all day, I'm resentful of those reminders.
It allows me to focus on the positive and take the time to grieve when I'm ready, instead of the grief running me
Most of the time, doing normal things is just so refreshing. I don't ever want to forget her, and I know that I never will, but sometimes just getting back to the day-to-day provides hope. It allows me to focus on all of the positive and take the time to grieve when I'm ready, instead of the grief running me.
There are days when I wish life here could just be over so I could be with her sooner. Then I'm reminded of the purpose I have and the amazing things that have happened in our life – My book and getting to share recipes and my story with all of you, my incredible four-year-old who lights up the room when he walks in, and my strong and faithful husband. My family, who was there in the room with us during all of my labor and after Aila's birth until well after she passed.
No one will ever replace her, and all I want is her
Sometimes I focus on the possibility of having more kids in the future, and then other days the thought having others is impossible because no one will ever replace her, and all I want is her. Her room sits empty. Most of the things we bought her are in a box in the garage so I won't accidentally stumble upon them when I'm having a ‘good' day and be thrown for a loop. I keep her memory box from the hospital nearby and her pictures on my phone for the multiple times during the day when I just want to reflect and be reminded of how amazing she was. And is.
And then there's days when I'm ridden with guilt. Guilt that as Aila's mom, I couldn't save or protect her. That I can't be around friends or even family members who are expecting because it's too painful. That there's days where I just feel like I can't be mom to Asher. For checking out from so many friends and family and not returning text or calls because it's just exhausting to be around people who don't understand.
I'm so grateful that two of my closest friends, who have both lost babies, have been walking with me from the moment we found out Aila's diagnosis. It's been an incredible blessing to process with friends who truly understand and have come out on the other end, which is why I am so open about my journey here.
We are continuing to take things day by day, and the good days seem to be coming more frequently as time goes. I hope this post can provide at least one person comfort to know that they are not alone in struggling with something that is not often talked about. Thank you for supporting me in this time, and I am honored to continue to supporting each of you in your own journey.
Thanks for sharing! Aila’s life will live on and will help others going thru this difficult time
Prayers for your continued healing.
Your strength is inspiring! Your sweet Aila will never be forgotten.
This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking journey with us. My heart aches for you and your loss. Life is not expected to go back to normal, or even a new normal after just one short month. I think of you and pray for your family often.
Aila was blessed to have you as her mom. Thank you for allowing us on this journey with you. Praying for peace, comfort, and joy for all of you. <3
I couldn’t imagine what you are going through, just know that God has a plan. And Alia needed to be with him. Thank you for sharing, not only this story, but your life. You are or will be stronger from your pain. And as pain comes we don’t always want to be told it will get better, but in the end we look back and realize it’s true. You have a beautiful family and one day you will meet with your sweet Alia again. Until then she watches you and I’m sure is proud to know you are her mother. Stay strong. Life is like a box of chocolates.
I kept typing and retyping what I wanted to say because I wanted it to be perfect. Then I realized there is no perfect thing to say. You and your family are in my prayers and thank you so much for sharing your beautiful love of Aila with us, what I privilege it is. I bought your book and started following you months ago due to having PCOS and experiencing infertility. In these short months, you have opened my eyes and heart to not only my physical body but my spiritual one as well. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. I pray for your broken heart. God bless you.
Eileen, I just wanted to.say I too stuggled.with PCOS and after ten of.the hardest years I had 3 miscarriages it was more painful each time, I even stopped.going to pregnant friends baby showers, and finally have a.baby girl she is.a.blessing. I had changed the way I ate and lost just a little weight and finally… I just want you to know there is hope. I will be keeping you in my prayers I know the hard days can be really hard. But hope is there…
You are such an inspiration to so many of us women who have lost children and The Lord is holding you close during this time of grief. Thank you for sharing and know my thoughts and prayers continue to be with your family.
Victᛟria Ni Keltica
I lost my son Tiernan at 40 weeks gestation and he was stillborn, 3 + years later I am still devastated! You are in our hearts xoxo
The Lord is holding you especially close in these difficult moments. Thank you for being so open with us, your caring readers, and please know our thoughts and prayers continue to be with your family.
Bless you! I could have written this blog post myself…. I don’t mean that I could out things so honestly and eloquently as you have, but I totally understand your thoughts. I am the exact same. Honestly, it’s like you are typing my thoughts. We lost our little baby girl after birth, in February. We had spent 4 months waiting for her arrival, also knowing that she would pass after birth. We also have a little 2 1/2 year old boy. I think of your little family often. I think of your beautiful Alia. I’m walking this same journey as you. I know our girls are guiding us through this. They have to be! Love, Vanessa xo
Thank you so much for having the courage to share your grief and the space that Aila left in your heart. Many hugs.
It is so cathartic to speak about our angels. It is so hard, in the beginning, to ever feel that you will be whole again. And in truth, you never really will be. Just a new normal. I lost my son a year ago in May, and I’m 7 months pregnant with our rainbow baby. Just reading this post threw me back in to his loss and I’m here weeping like a baby, just remembering and wishing and feeling guilty all over again. And its ok. I will never forget him, and even though all I ever wanted was him, I am finally able to be ok with the new life taking shape inside of me. Sometime I wish that I could still go through life with the naiveté of most pregnant women, but then I realize that having such a horrible loss has made me appreciate his life, and this new life, more than I ever could have otherwise. Keep speaking about Aila, it will only serve to heal. Blessings to you and your family.
by Joyce Kilmer
I THINK that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth’s flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your family’s faith in Christ is very inspiring and uplifting. I am praying for you, your husband, Asher, and beautiful little Aila. Thank you for your bold and faithful heart! 🙂
P.S. Your recipes are wonderful and have been such a delight in my Paleo journey so far! Keep doing what you love.
I have been following your journey and love your willingness to be open. Thank you for sharing your heart and your little girl. I feel privileged to have been able to see what an impact she made, and will continue to make forever. I have been praying for you and your family daily.
you are note alone. i lost my two-day old infant son, Gabriel. my first beautiful child, 9 month ago today. my heart still aches but each month is a little more light and i let a little more go. i am still thrown by baby feet peeking out from strollers and big, pregnant bellies full of life, but i just keep praying. love to you and your family. ps: have you checked out “a glow in the woods’? it’s a good site.
Your strength and grace are remarkable. I pray that you will continue your journey through this grief with the abundance of love and support that surrounds you, but that also lies within you. Sweet Aila is a gift and I am sure she is proud to be your daughter.
Prayers of love and strength to you and your family.
Danielle, I just want you know that you, Ryan, Asher, and Aila continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
This post is so beautifully courageous, raw & articulate. That you would even allow us in to share in the highest of highs and lowest of lows is a gift. How you describe pain and loss surely resonates with anyone who has lost a child and reminds them that there is a community of understanding and grace. You continue to give of yourself even in the midst of pain and I cannot emphasize how unbelievable that is to witness. I think of you daily and pray for your Mama’s heart to continue to find joy and healing. Much love.
You are such a brave woman in your willingness to share your loss with those of us you’ve never met. Our family continues to hold your family up in prayer as He brings you to mind… often in the kitchen, doing what we know brings you so much joy. Thank you for the update.
I met a women a few months back who told me she had 2 children. One here and one is up in heaven. She said the one up in heaven is now 3 but died at birth. She seemed at peace somehow and I didn’t understand, but she explained how both of them are very much a part of her life and will always continue to be, the only difference between the two children is that one is a spiritual relationship and the other is a physical one and she has been expanded so much in seeing the gift in both.
I feel your loss and support your healing in all the ways you need to feel nurtured through this time. I hope my share helps in some small way
When I read your first post about Aila, my heart sank and I felt the all too familiar knot in the back of my throat… I lost my son Owen just a few months ago when he was six weeks old. I feel the exact same emotions you’re feeling- the sadness, anger, guilt… We will never move on, but we do move forward, and figuring out the new normal is difficult. Especially knowing that the pain felt is never ending as we will always miss our babies. I find peace knowing that Owen and Aila are up in heaven, whole and perfect. It’s comforting, but sometimes it doesn’t help our aching hearts and aching empty arms, when all we want is for them to be here with us. I’ve never yearned for heaven more! Sending love and prayers your way from another grieving mama.
Thank you for your bravery and honesty in posting this. We just lost our baby boy when I delivered him very prematurely Feb. 28th. Your words sum up so well how I have felt. It is painful to know that other women have to go through this as well, and my heart breaks for you because I know you miss sweet Aila the way I miss our sweet William. But it is so comforting to feel like someone else understands at the same time.
I struggled with survivors guilt for 5 years after my youngest was born. A beautiful friend was at full term and lost her daughter 1 week before her due date. Her heart just stopped. So when my youngest was born, the shame I had that he was fine haunted me. I couldn’t sleep or eat. Loss is a horrible thing, especially of an innocent little beauty!
This got me through so much, maybe you can find a small moment of healing in it. It is like a mantra to me.
“Amazing grace is pouring down…”
We need to quit shying from these topics. I know women who have never held a living baby in their arms, so they often feel dismissed as mothers. We need to talk about the loss, to validate it, to remember our children and our hopes and dreams for them. Thank you for this post. You are not alone.
You and your family are and have been in my thoughts and prayers. I have no doubt that your beloved Aila knows how much she is loved. I send you much love, thoughts of peace, strength and many gentle hugs. Blessings, Misha
Jean | Lemons & Anchovies
Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. You and your family continue to be in my prayers for healing, hope and peace.
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope you continue to find the beauty of Aila in things that surround you.
You are incredible. All of you and any of you who’ve lost children. While I don’t know what that is like, my heart aches for you all just the same. I get the roller coaster of emotions, the highs and lows and the need to press on. I admire you for your strength and willingness to share your experience and the openness it takes to do so. God bless you all as the days pass. <3
Thank you for sharing. We lost our twins nearly three years ago and I am now pregnant. We are due on the exact day, three years later, from the day our twins were stillborn. I still feel the emotions you describe but healing does come, eventually, though nothing will EVER be the same. Hugs to all of you.
I’m saddened and inspired reading your words, I’m recently pregnant and this is our first baby. What you experienced is a worst nightmare and I wish I knew you to be able to give you a hug and share your tears. I just have to tell you that my fear of losing my baby is omnipresent and after you bravely shared your journey although my fears ate not lightened, one can only hope to honor their child the way you have. There’s no way to make this okay but by sharing you have helped someone else who is or will go through something like this. Sending, love, hugs, thoughts and thanks for being so brave.
Many years ago I lost our baby soon after his birth I had several miscarriages and problems 10 years after that we adopted a new baby girl she was a delight, in just a couple of years I found I was pregnant and fear struck me again making a terrible pregnancy ,but she was perfect little girl and fit into our lives like she was meant to be there the girls were fast friends then in a couple of years… yes pg again I was more relaxed that may happen when its a boy don’t know but was such a joy to see us all together I realized it was Gods Plan, not for our baby to die but for us to have that particular child to fill Our lives that’s been 55 years ago and I still miss him and always will , but my Children are so happy in there lives and sharing everything with each other I know It was in Gods Plan to have our special family, sometimes I forget she is adopted and she doesn’t seem to know it nor do the other 2 children, God Bless and keep you and your little family enjoy the times your together
I’m in tears reading this. I just want to give you a bug hug. I have nothing to say other than I am constantly thinking about you, Ryan and Asher. Hugs and love, Kassandra
Thank you for sharing so much of your life with all of us! With every update that you post, I know better how to pray for you and your family. May God continue to bless and comfort you all as you grieve precious Aila.
Love and prayers, and thank you for being so amazing.
What a beautiful sharing of your heart. My image of Aila is her peering down on you and watching you now grow. My thoughts prayers and tears are with you. May Gods love see you through.
I have been thinking about you and praying for you and think you are so brave for continuing to share your story! What you said rings so true for those of us in that unlucky club of infant loss that feel so lucky to have been part of those wonderful little people’s lives and are trying to find a way through a world that just doesn’t understand. I lost 2 babies, both boys and both at 22 weeks due to an incompetent cervix. They would be 10 and 4 and I miss them every day; sometimes so much it is hard to breathe. I am still racked with terrible guilt I could not protect them. We were blessed in 2011 with the live birth of our son, Henry, who is now a vibrant and healthy almost-3-year old, but born at 32-weeks he had a tough start to this life and I have dealt with guilt with that as well. It’s not true time heals all wounds; this is not something you get over; you simply find a way to live with it and move on. Having another baby was hard. I realized I hadn’t grieved for Christopher and Joshua as much as I should have and in some ways it makes me miss them even more – making it clear what I’ve been missing all this time. But he has been my saving grace as well; I too wanted to leave this life so many times because it was easier to want to leave the pain behind and be with them. Deal with your pain in your own time and surround yourself with those who willsupport you. There will be some who may disappoint you and maybe even disappear, and others who may surprise you with their support. Stay strong, mama. Alia will not be forgotten; no one will remember her as you will and cling to those precious memories and the comfort you will see her again one day. She knows what you did for you and how much she loves you. God bless and much love and hugs.
Thank you for honestly sharing your feelings. I had a miscarriage for my first pregnancy, but it isn’t the same as giving birth and holding your precious child. I can only imagine the emotional exhaustion that this has place upon you and your family. I know you are pushing on because your son needs you, and that is a wonderful reason to push on. Thank you for letting the world in, I am sure there is at least one person who this message “saved” today. Prayers to your family, that the good days become more frequent, and you find peace and normalcy again. I already have your book pre-ordered, and I am looking forward to getting it.
I gave birth to my twins at 23 weeks in Dec. 2009. My daughter lived for about 3 hours and my son was born sleeping. Christmas was 3 days later. It has now been almost 5 years and I have twin girls who will soon be 4 years old. You are a very strong woman. All women who endure the loss of a child are strong. Sending prayers and virtual hugs your way.
Like you I have lost my babies. I have 8 of them waiting with Jesus and while there is loss and pain from not being able to raise them I have the knowledge that they are with my Lord and soon enough we will be together.
God bless you in this journey…soon we will come to the end of this one and the beginning of our eternal one.
Isn’t the internet family a beautiful thing? Tears of loss and joy pour for you, Danielle, and your family. You are not alone in this. Blessings to you. <3
so sad!!! my heart aches for u! thinking of u!!! cant imagine the pain as a mom myself, that youre going thru!
You are so inspiring and wonderful! Blessings
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. Its been a little over two years since I lost my baby boy Noah. I miss him everyday. I was almost 5 months pregnant when I went into premature labor and all efforts failed to keep Noah safe in my womb. The experience has changed me forever. These days life around me seems “normal” at times and I am not in a constant state of depression but it will never be the same. This morning as I was driving to work, thinking of the day I lost Noah, I became overwhelmed with sadness. Sometimes I wonder how we survived it all but with my husband’s support we are here. Thinking of you and praying for you and your family as you walk this journey of healing after loss.
Jayne Hagan Hazlip
Oh Danielle, you and your family are still in our prayers. Aila is with our Lord. I have had many miscarriages, and two live births, one weighing only 1.5 pounds and is at 23 years old, still very delayed (who has greatly benefitted from your recipes!). Both my boys are blessings from God. I can only imagine the pain and grief you went through when you got the diagnosis, and the waiting for her to be born, wondering how long she would live, if she would be in pain. I know you know God’s love and comfort, and the love and comfort of family and friends. And all of us in cyber-land who are with you in spirit and send you big hugs over the airwaves. I just want you to know we stand with you and kneel before the Lord in prayer with you. So sorry for your loss, but glad you were able to hold Aila, at least for a while! Love ya’, Jayne
Jennifer & Dave
We love you & are shedding your tears 🙂
I hear your story and I hear you. Through my own experience we lost our son last year , 24 days after birth, I agree regarding the topic of social media. I felt unsure when to post , pics from us hiking again and it took a half year until I reached a point where I posted my first one. And as such deep the loss is, every single seconds means the world to us. The up and downs will last and yes it will be a new life, and even if you can not see it. It will be a life full with new experiences, daily things getting special, worries change, and you will allow yourself to smile and to live with fortune again.
You honor Aila, and all of us by sharing her life as well as your grief and hope. I am so moved by reading your journey and feel blessed because of your bravery and willingness to share it. There is no doubt you are both touching and helping others. Thank you.
May God comfort you in your time of need. I am so sorry for your lost. My heart breaks for you. My prayers are with you and your family. Just know she is looking down on you and God is taking good care of her. Rip sweet baby Aila
My mom lost two babies.. one almost full term not to illness but to cord problems.. I heard about this years later.. and it was just so matter of fact I thought it was no big deal… until I had my children with no issues… which I am thankful for.. but to loose them before or just after they arrive…. I can no imagine… and I know that grief can only be felt by a parent who has gone through it… I applaud you sharing it will help many who feel they are so alone.. I lost a nephew at age 18… and I know the grief of an aunt loosing a nephew.. and I know your pain is so much worse.. I pray for you and you family.. Doing something awesome in her memory keeps that memory so alive.. and her story will help others to heal.. how awesome is that.. and yet I wish you didn’t have a story to tell… You are inspiring… keep doing what you do.. it matters.. she mattered.. always
sending thoughts and prayers to you and your little angel Aila. hoping as time goes by, you will be able to think of her with only smiles and not tears.
I can’t imagine why you are going through, so I will not attempt to write words that may or may not bring comfort. Just know that my heard is shattered for you and your family, and I am praying for comfort beyond what you could imagine that only our Father in heaven could bring.
I can’t imagine what you are going through, so I will not attempt to write words that may or may not bring comfort. Just know that my heard is shattered for you and your family, and I am praying for comfort beyond what you could imagine that only our Father in heaven could bring.
Danielle, you are in my prayers. 🙂
Your words align so closely to my walk with grief. I am so glad that you are being transparent and helping people be aware of what grief really looks like. My mom shared something with us after my daughter went to Heaven. Our children really aren’t lost. We know exactly where they are. How comforting is that?!
Thank you for this. My son, Matthew, was born sleeping without warning just a couple days shy of 20 weeks on 7/3/2014. He was totally healthy right up until I went into labor. I can totally relate to everything on here.
Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. We all care. Sending loving and healing thoughts to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing. You did what you set out to do. You made me feel like I am not alone. Thank you.
I have only said this to a handful of people in my life: you are a hero to me. First in overcoming the illness that almost took your life and sharing all the experience and wisdom you gained in overcoming it. Secondly for sharing Aila’s life with us. I cannot even imagine all that your family is going through even with how much you share. You are so brave and inspiring to so many who have been, unfortunately, in like situations.
Thank you for being so transparent and vulnerable. Thank you for being an incredible inspiration. God bless you and your family. Praying continued strength and comfort to you through our Lord.
Wendy Neugent Hayden
Sending love your way. I’ve followed your story and am heartbroken for you and your family.
As many others have said…I am also here sobbing. I lost my little girl during a very premature delivery over 6 years ago. I have had 3 healthy kids after that and I have numerous times thought that everyday is one day closer to her; but at the same time, I would hate to not be able to see these children grow up. The most amazing thing that solidifies everything for me and helps me keep hope that everything is alright are my other children…My little girl is 3 and when I ask her in the mornings “Did you see pictures in your sleep?” she will frequently say that she saw God and he was holding a baby. I have never told her about Baby Alicyn and our attendance at church is sporadic at times…but she confirms to me that her sister is safe and being cuddled by someone much more loving and giving then me. We now build in ring I got for her from the hospital, a card from the doctor, angel wings, or any thing into each family picture, pregnancy photo, etc to bring her along for our life journey and let our kids know that they have a beautiful guardian angel.
May each day bring you a little more peace. Continue to talk about her and love her. Some days are definitely harder than others…even years later. Some days you want to hold them so bad; and children seem to register that and are great cuddlers on those days (thankfully:) ) . Your family is in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry Danielle!! I read your story and my heart sank, bringing back the same feelings you are going through. I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks in May. I had another miscarriage at 7 weeks in December 2013. I would have found out what we were having this week… I try not to dwell on it, but its so hard. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
You are in my thoughts!!
Thoughts and prayers coming your way. Thank you for sharing your love for your family!
Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey of remembering Aila, both the painful times and the times that are a little easier to get through. My husband and I lost our only baby, a tubal/ectopic pregnancy, when I was 40 years old. Maybe some would think that our baby wasn’t really a baby, but I know that God gave him or her to us, and that child is waiting for us in Heaven. I know that Aila is waiting for all of you. What a blessing to have seen and held her! And your other little one is waiting for you, too. Now that I’m 46, I struggle with the realization that God will likely not give us biological children. But I so WANT to have them, or just one. But even though I struggle with this, His grace is sufficient for me, despite my longings. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this, but I wanted to be sure to tell you that I’m praying for you all and think of you often. May the God of all comfort be with you! Big hugs to you!
Sweet Debbie, after repeated miscarriages my husband and I adopted two sweet babies, both as newborns. They are the love of our lives, we adore them. I managed to induce lactation and am still breastfeeding them – that gift of bonding has been a blessing. It has not changed my pull for a biological child (not gunna happen) but holding these babies soothes my heart. I wish you well.
I am once again so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story…. I’m at a loss for words. My heart has been aching for you and your family.God bless you all.
I think of you and your family and sweet baby Aila often. Many prayers to all of you.
Thank you for your openness. Sharing your story will no doubt help countless other mothers. I think of your family often.
Thank you for sharing your pain, your true raw feelings. For helping others with similar situations and for those who know nothing of this sort of pain but through you heart felt words can try to understand what you are feeling. I too have been touched by your words. I truly believe in Angels and I know your little girl is never very far from you. Even though you can not hold her in your arms she holds a very dear place in your heart. I lost my birth mother at a very young age and always believe she walks along with me as my angel. Aila will always be with you in spirit. she is never very far away. God Bless you as you go through your healing process.
Know that babies grow up in heaven till they reach maturity! I had a dream about my son that passed when he was 10 months old on Christmas day of pneumonia. The dream was my son and my Dad walking hand in hand in a large green field and heard “do not worry about them, they will ge here when you get here” the dream gave me much comfort and my son was the age he would have been at the time of the dream. May I suggest a great book called A divine revelation of heaven by Mary K Baxter, it is wonderful. Blessings
My heart breaks for you. Bless your beautiful, strong family, you wonderful woman. <3
Thank you so much for sharing. I lost my Dylan, a girl, at 22 weeks. She had the same nose (and curved toes) as my middle son. I’m so glad you are sharing this to the world. Your Aila has left a beautiful legacy and I pray that your healing is filled with hope and peace. I am a part of a group called Hope Mommies (www.hopemommies.org) and if you ever need a community that knows exactly how you feel, we are here. We have public and private Facebook groups and we have all been in your shoes, in different ways. Again, thank you for sharing.
I understand, we are still healing as of two years when our son was born and passed away an hour later. I gave birth at 43 weeks and he survived just under an hour. I am an older mama, and still desire to have more children. I understand the fear of having more or just getting pregnant. I do miss him.. Time does heal, it does get better, yet a missing piece, kinda like a puzzle still remains. I have faith that if Yahweh chooses to plant a seed once again in my womb, I will rejoice and be thrilled. If not, it is all in His hands. Rest in Him, He does know about losing a son. Shalom
My heart breaks for you. I unfortunately know also how it feels. I lost my baby girl too when I was 6 months pregnant 3 months ago. I’m happy for you that you got the chance to hold her and comfort her and have that memory. It is a rough road and one that I wish we both didn’t have to travel. Wishing you the best.
Thank you Danielle for sharing your grief and loss with us, a huge group of strangers. It’s inspiring to witness your faith and your humanness…
I want you to know that I too lost a tiny angel, my fourth child but first girl, on the delivery table. It was unexpected, and the worst moment of my life. I say moment because the whole world stood still for that hour or so, and my life was forever changed. Only our faith in Jesus sustained us through that difficult time. In His wisdom He blessed us with another baby girl only a year later and she was such a sweet healing to my soul! I was afraid during the whole pregnancy…but I’m so glad we had another. I’d encourage you not to make a hasty decision at this time about having more children. Of course another will not replace Aila but you will love them nonetheless, and they could be a healing for you just like mine was for me. We have since had 3 more sweet babies and are so blessed! I had to share to hopefully uplift you. You are not alone. Blessings and hugs to you and yours.
Oh!! Just reading your story brings tears to my eyes 17 years after I lost my baby. It does get easier and isn’t on your mind every day but it is your baby and isforever in your heart. A tiny thought will bring you to tears but I think it isn’t the loss but what would have been. God bless you and your family.
Danielle, God has surely gifted you with the ability to write. Thank you for honesty, vulnerability, and bravery. You are a vision of hope and life beauty. Remember that in your grief – you are allowed to be sad… There is no time limit on when the saddness should or will end. You do you, girl. And do the best for your husband and son because that’s all anyone can do. I encourage you to invite Jesus into your grief.. He cares for you and is grieving with you. But you know more than anyone your sweet Aila is His arms. But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.. The thought of heaven doesn’t mean you won’t be sad; it just means you will be with her again someday. Continual prayers for you, sweet lady. Thanks for being an inspiration.
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing what so many of us moms to angels feel each day. It has been five months since my baby Miles died from congenital heart disease and your words ring so true. Hugs to you!
What a blessing your openness is for everyone. I’m praying for God to continue to heal your heart and your family. Thank you.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I cried for you that day because I knew the exact pain that you are feeling, and it’s a pain that no parent should ever have to experience. I was due this October 15th and lost our baby as well. We lost our baby on the 2 year anniversary of when our 16 month old son went to be with the Lord. You would think after all the loss my husband and I have endured that I would have the words to comfort you, yet I’m still at a loss for words. It’s true what they say though, time does heal a broken heart. You’ll never forget your child but eventually you will be able to find joy in life again. All you can do is lean on God. There were times I thought I hated God, and even through the darkness He was always there. One thing that helped me cope was to read every book I could about Heaven, especially about children in heaven. Although my heart still breaks for my recent loss, I find so much comfort in knowing that our oldest in heaven get’s to experience life as a big brother now. I will be praying for you and your family continually. I know it seems impossible but not long from now you will find your new normal and eventually over time it will be easier to talk about and remember your beautiful Aila.
Thank you for your courage, you are such a great inspiration to so many people. I too have those boxes in the garage, one day I hope to have the strength to take all of Liam’s clothes and turn them into a quilt that I can snuggle with when I’m missing him the most. God Bless you and your family. <3
crying and praying for you too
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life. You are an inspiration and I’m so sorry for the hurt you are experiencing.
My name is also Danielle, I also have a son name Asher, and on July 3rd I found out my sweet baby had no heartbeat at 18.5 weeks. My friend sent me this link, and I am weeping, knowing you and I are somehow connected by this. Thank you for sharing many things that I myself have had a hard time putting into words. God never ceases to amaze me…His mercies are new every morning! <3
Danielle, a friend sent me the link to your blog. I am so very sorry for your family’s loss. We lost our sweet son Theodore last month on June 23rd – he was stillborn at 39 weeks. Perfect from head to toe, but already with Jesus. I guess I just wanted to say… I know the kind of valley you are walking through. I am there too. The little reminders that my life will never be the same are everywhere. We don’t know why God chose this path for us and sometimes it seems too much to bear. Some days it’s all I can do to get out of bed and be a mama to my 2 and 1/2 year old little boy. I just have to cling to His promises.
A friend who also lost a baby wrote this to me, and it’s something I keep coming back to…:
“When we experience the death of any of our children, the very real longing to very really be in two different places at once, it is the biggest divide a person can possibly fathom. How this gives us a glimpse of Jesus’ love for us, that He is preparing a place of joy for us even while we cry in such agony and sadness.
Having our hearts be in two different places at the exact same time – it is the fullest breaking, it is the deepest agony, it is a ripping of all that is comfortable.
But it is also the place of greatest healing. The place of the most transformative sanctification. The brokenness, the being in the chasm, it is redemptive.”
We are praying for your family. This pain… it’s something we wish no other parent would have to experience. We are so sorry.
Much love from another grieving family…
you are so often in my thoughts and my heart just wants to cry for you ,but you are an amazing woman,with an amazing family and I just want to send you loads of hugs and strength
Danielle, just to let you know our thoughts are with you and your family and sending hugs and lots of love. You are a very brave lady to share your feelings about Aila’s story and passing, and I know you will be comforting many in a similar situation. Xxx
It wasTwo years ago on July 19, that my baby girl Emma Lee was born still. I’ve tried to accept reality that she’s not with me, but at the same time I pray that God will wake me from this on going nightmare of pain and suffering. I can relate to your feelings of guilt, because I was not able to protect her. See I lost my Princess to the hands of an abusive man. I have gone over in my mind what I should have done differently that day. Should I have stayed in my room and out of his way. Should I have called the police with the first slap to the face? I just don’t know. Then I go through this fase of blame. If the Dr would have done this…or maybe tried that. I even grew a lot of anger and hate towards God . But then realized he took her to save my son and I. That’s at least what I have to say to myself in order to make it.
This year instead of taking flowers to her grave, my 3yo son and I had a birthday party for her. We baked her a cake put on hats and sang her happy birthday. Though the words would get stuck in the ball in my throat and I was crying, it helped me get through the day. People have told me it’s time to let her rest, but they don’t know what I do. She was already resting before she was born.
God bless you! In want you to stop even letting your mind go there. Be the best mother to your son now. That man was evil and he will answer for hurting your precious baby. Continue living life with your beautiful son. You will never forget but you honor her as you thrive and be the best parent you can be to her awesome brother. I am praying for you right now! It’s is not your fault and I love you! *hug*
I’m so sorry for your pain. We lost 2 Angel babies ourselves I n the last yea after 3yrs of fertility. It is a painful heartache that only a mother could truly understand.,I wish you comfort in your darkest moments and send prayers of strength to you and your family. Time will heal, but your memory will remain.
We made a little tribute for our baby boy. It has helped me heal from all that pain. Women are strong. And we share our pain together. There is a lot of experience and pain behind our eyes.
Bless your family.
My thoughts are with your family as you reme
I was at my daughter’s grave yesterday, again. She lived for 50 amazing days before leaving our arms to fly to Jesus. It’s a painful gift. A gift we’d never return in exchange for not having the grief over her death. So, there’s a settling in my heart. I might always be conflicted. So much pain/heart ache related to her little life and death and yet so much more JOY because we know her and she’s not really gone, just hanging out in Heaven waiting for us to get there. The song, “I Will Carry You” is one of my faves. ((((HUGs ))))
Michelle @ Vitamin Sunshine
You are amazing to be able to write that. So honest, and so heartfelt.
https://www.houseofgjertsen.info/ If you like, please check out their blog; there is a trilogy of blogs- see them on the right hand side….. <3
Thank you for sharing and know you and your family are held in our hearts with so much love and light. Very grateful that you still have the ability to share your passion of health which leads to significant care for humanity and the planet. You are still, in a sense, mothering us all with the work you do.
Danielle, you are right when you said that this would be one of the hardest posts to read. I cannot remember the last time I cried this hard. I have never experienced a loss like this in my life, bur your post still speaks to me – it speaks as a reminder to try harder….as a mom and a wife…..a daughter and a friend….because our time here on earth is so temporary and life as we know it can change in an instant. My two children deserve the best version of me at all times….and in today’s world, I fear I don’t always give them that. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your story so openly…..it’s not only helping those who have endured a similar loss….it’s also helping people appreciate what they have. There are a lot of kids out there who are getting extra snuggle time because of your post. Sending you love and healing thoughts….
Prayers for you and your family. Thank you for having the courage to share your heart.
Jackie Fiebelkorn Firkus
Thank you for this post. It is a reminder that I am not alone in this. This feeling that no one talks about, the baby that barely existed, the babies we love so much it hurts. Thank you.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you and what you’re going through. You are such a special person, and you are making a huge difference in the lives of so many people. I’m glad you have friends who understand what you’re going through and are there to support you and lift you up during this time. Having someone who can identify with you is encouraging and helpful during extremely difficult times like you’re going through. Friends like that are hard to come by. Your posts encourage me as I struggle with my health and the stereotype that has been placed on me because I’ve struggled for so long. People tend to make things worse when they don’t understand. I will continue for God to heal your broken heart. You are a blessing to everyone you share your life with.
I am sorry for your loss. I cannot think of anything to say other than that.
I love you.
My heart breaks for you and your family, but I am also in awe of your strength and willingness to help others even in your darkest hours… Aila couldn’t have been born to a better mother. You are such a rock, such an inspiration, such a beautiful person. I wish you all the best in healing and in finding the perfect, painless way to remember your sweet baby girl.
Beth Davidson Brovold
There are no words big enough to even begin to encompass your tremendous loss here on earth of your precious Aila, so I will just say that I am so very sorry and you and your family are in my prayers as you navigate each minute, hour, day, month, year ahead until you are reunited again.
This is such a beautiful and raw post. I haven’t lost a child but I completely understand your pain. I would feel the same conflicting feelings if one of them passed. I think you are very brave and strong for sharing your pain with the world. I can only say that the lord promises we will see each other again in heaven. So as much as it pains you not having Aila here at this mere moment, you will have her again in your arms. It’s a promise from God and he is not a man or a son of man to lie. What he promised us he will keep.
God Bless you Danielle! I wept as I read this. You are loved and cherished by so many, including myself. You were my initial inspiration to heal my body through food. Thank you for all to have done and continue to do. You are too precious to leave this world yet. I know it’s a difficult calling to help others but you do it very well and respectfully. I pray for you to be comforted and find everlasting peace and your family as well. (Hugs)
1Hi. I stumbled upon your story on Facebook. I too have a precious baby in heaven. His name is Ryan and was stillborn at 39 weeks. Just 1 week from my due date. The loss of a child at any age is devastating to everyone in your circle. My Ryan would be 11 now and I will tell you that even though the pain never goes away, it does soften through the strength that Jesus provides. I wish my son were here with the rest of his siblings, but I also know and fully believe that God had a very special plan for Ryan’s little life and it truly is a joy to see how God has allowed his life to touch people who never had the chance to see him. My prayer is that you will be able to see the blessings of God as He uses Aila’s sweet life to bless you.
Mother of Dragons
Danielle, you are so precious to me. Your recipes have changed my life. And now your vulnerability and open heart has changed my life again. Thank you for the courage you share when you write about Aila. There is strength for us as you share your deepest thoughts and feelings.
Heather B *Texas Hill Country*
I just keep you in prayers every single day. We recently had a loss in our home town – a young man that went to school with my son from 6th grade on and they graduated together. He was injured in a car wreck and died on the operating table. Where does this fit into your story? If what I am feeling – hurt and loss with this young man’s passing – I can only imagine the hurt and loss you have every day. Some say it gets easier – but I disagree. As time passes the mind carefully seals over the open wound so that you can cope with the loss. Brush that seal just right and it lets you know in a mad rush of reminder it is still very tender. There will be good days, there will be bad days. And like you – I look forward to getting to “go home” and see everyone I miss so much. And understand, in the mean time, I have a job to finish here and only God knows when it’s completed. We were able to meet in Austin – and for that am grateful. And I know anyone who has had the opportunity to meet you – that you are a blessing in their respective lives. Love and light – Heather.
I just caught up with everything that happened. I am so sorry for your loss; but from what I was able to read, Aila sounds like she loved everyone in your family. Thank you for sharing her journey with all of us.
Danielle, I have not followed your blog constantly, but use your recipes regularly. When I found out about your loss, I had to share my love. I am so sorry to hear about your darling little girl, and I am so sorry for you and your whole family in their loss. I lost my daughter a few years ago, also because of an auto-immune disease. I have lupus, and the (lovely) SSA-antibody stopped her heart. I too found peace and strength knowing she was taken to be with the Lord, and that she would not suffer in this world. I commend you on your strength and grace. I could not let my little one go, ignored, forgotten, unmentioned, and I am so grateful for that. Thank you for sharing your sorrow, and inspiring others with all of your work. My heart is with you, and I pray for you. ~Anna
I so admire you for being real with your emotions and your process of healing. I can see already how many other women you have touched and you honor Aila each time. My heart aches for you and your family. I will continue to pray that The Lord brings healing to your heart in your deep sadness.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your journey through this season. I started following you months ago because I wanted to feel better and eat better. I can’t wait for your new cookbook, I’ve already preorder it :-). I think of you and your family often and am praying for you.
I wish to offer Danielle and her family, as well as all others who have been forced to deal with similar losses, my sincere sympathy and love. There is nothing that I can say, that could ever begin to impact the dreadful reality of your pain and loss.
I have learned of the following book, which did help somebody very close to me who has suffered a similar loss, to find some peace. It is not much – but perhaps something that I can share in the hope that it may offer some small amount of solace.
Healing From Miscarriage, Abortion, And Other Pregnancy Loss
by Kim Kluger-Bell
About the Book
This comforting and healing book is a must–not only for women who have at one time experienced pregnancy loss but also for their parents, sisters, daughters, brothers, and friends. Kim Kluger-Bell’s extensive fieldwork as a therapist specializing in the psychodynamics of reproductive crises strips away the shrouds of silence surrounding pregnancy losses and abortions, giving new voice to these “unspeakable losses.”
Filled with in-depth stories of those who have experienced losses and solid, practical advice with mourning rituals and services, Unspeakable Losses is a necessary companion to all those who have experienced pregnancy loss and those who care about them.This soothing book is a must–not simply for women who have experienced pregnancy loss, but also for their partners and those who care about them. Kim Kluger-Bell, a therapist specializing in the psychodynamics of losing a child before birth–whether to abortion, miscarriage, or other loss–strips away the shrouds of silence surrounding this unique pain. She gives new voice to these “unspeakable losses,” in a culture that has rendered its discussion taboo.
Combining in-depth stories with solid, practical advice, Unspeakable Losses articulates the myriad emotional stages that arise from pregnancy loss and validates what can otherwise be a terribly lonely experience. This book is a vital companion for women and men in comprehending–and recovering from–their own experience with reproductive crisis.This soothing book is a must–not simply for women who have experienced pregnancy loss, but also for their partners and those who care about them. Kim Kluger-Bell, a therapist specializing in the psychodynamics of losing a child before birth–whether to abortion, miscarriage, or other loss–strips away the shrouds of silence surrounding this unique pain. She gives new voice to these “unspeakable losses,” in a culture that has rendered its discussion taboo.
Combining in-depth stories with solid, practical advice, Unspeakable Losses articulates the myriad emotional stages that arise from pregnancy loss and validates what can otherwise be a terribly lonely experience. This book is a vital companion for women and men in comprehending–and recovering from–their own experience with reproductive crisis.
So sorry for your sadness. When we lost our baby I remember getting disappointed in myself and my body that I could not grow and support my baby. Since our loss in 2006 I have come to firmly believe that God gifts us to grow souls and even growing a baby for 12 weeks is a soul to God. Whether we walk this earth for 45 minutes or 85 years, each story is written with a purpose. I am positive we will see our babies again some day. I named our baby Will, because whether girl or boy he was born and died with God’s will. I never want to forget that. You are not alone in your sadness. Your feelings that you described, I felt as well. May you feel peace knowing that you are not alone. Your grief is shared by mothers and fathers throughout time.
Dear Danielle, reading your story brings tears to my eyes. Yet, I sense your strength and faith. Strength to take one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other, and strength to share your story and even strength to withdraw and be alone when you feel the need to. May the God of heaven and earth bring you peace and love each and every day. I’m so glad He gave you the memories, few that they are, of precious little Aila. You and your family…little Asher and your husband…are in my prayers and thoughts. Your words are so touching; the way you speak about them. They are so blessed to have you in their life. I’m sure they feel the same way. Let each day greet you with new strength and keep the memories. God bless you, Danielle, and thank you for practicing your gift of reaching out to all of us with your beautiful books and delicious recipes.
With warm love,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am amazed by your faith and strength, it’s so hard to understand why things happen as they do. My prayers for you and your family, may Aila’s memory be for a blessing
I wish I could offer you companionship, but I do offer you my prayers and sympathy. I was diagnosed with colitis 4 years ago and am no stranger to sorrow and loss related to childbearing. I am so blessed to have the children I have, hard won as they have been. These precious babes that your arms ache for have passed early from one reality into another. They are still part of your family, you are still their loving mother, and you will hold them one day. I have the impression you know this, but at such times, it is always good to reminded of the things we already know. My prayer for you comes from a favorite hymn: “strength for today, bright hope for tomorrow”
Thank you so so much for sharing your story on here. I feel your pain and this post is exactly what I have been going through but have been unable to explain. I misscarried almost a month and a half ago and I still have my good and bad days but hearing your story, like you said, provides a sort of comfort knowing I am not alone. Thank you for sharing and for providing hope for so many for us and know we are still praying for you and your family.
thank you for the update, danielle. you don’t owe us anything, yet you share out of the kindness of your heart and a true desire to help others. it’s been over 3 years since my full-term daughter lily was stillborn, and i can say that i have found meaning and hope in the loss of her. i pray that you find those things as well. praying for you!
I just wanted to say my prayers are with you and your family. I just stumbled upon this blog. Thank you for all that you have done. You are strong, beautiful, soul…and I know your love was and is still felt.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I have not experienced the loss of a child myself, but this podcast is about a mother who had a stillborn son. She made similar choices to you, to carry out the pregnancy. I thought I would share in hopes it helps. https://longestshortesttime.com/2014/04/30/podcast-29-the-shortest-day/
To Danielle (and all the other grieving mothers out there)
This text came to mind when I read your story/ies. You are in my prayers.
24 “The Lord bless you and keep you;
25 The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
26 The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.”
Thank you. What you are sharing is even greater than the loss of a baby – what you are sharing is how we all deal with simple human loss. Which is inevitable.
There are a lot of fine Christian people who have wished your heart well.
We Pagans say “What is remembered, lives.” Aila is therefore – thanks to you – a living memory. Blessings in your times of strength and sadness!
I’d like to say that it will get easier, but it doesn’t. Abe Lincoln, speaking on his losses, once stated that the sun will come out again, and you will smile again–someday. And David in the Bible reminded me that “I will see you again” when his child died. A friend had a guest post on her blog, and the guy was so helpful in this small comment (paraphrased because my memory is so inept some days!): “You don’t have to ‘get over it’ (the grief, the longing, the tears), you just “get on with it” (life–which is often just surviving the day, grief–that you carry with you and that is okay!). I was out of the loop and off internet for awhile (purposely), so missed your loss or I’d have sent an immediate cyber-hug!.
I am so sorry.
Words are so insufficient to express my sorrow at your loss. I hope that writing about it and sharing your experience with others helps to blunt the pain sooner. I wish you well.
https://preciouscrumblesoffaith.blogspot.com/2012_08_01_archive.html Start @ August 26, 2012 and read related posts for some encouragement. Prayers to you!
Every time I read any of your posts I think of what a beautiful honor you are to your daughter, and whole family for that matter. I just opened your MMS cookbook today, knowing some of your back story, but re-reading your commentary as to why you chose this path of whole real foods…and I wanted to THANK YOU for being so pure in every aspect…as a health advocate, a wife, a mother & a mostly a Christian. Regardless of people’s beliefs, its beautiful to see your strength continually come from & be renewed through Christ! Thank you and continue being the amazing mom you are to Asher (as you stated in your book, he after all was the “moment” you chose to be present in this life”) and keep being present for Aila, Ryan and all of your fans who are praying for you & thanking you for your wellness guideance! <3
Thank you for sharing and being so candid. We lost our baby girl on June 25-1 day after you lost your sweet Aila-I am right there with you in your roller coaster of emotions. I am so thankful that we have the re-assurance of being reunited with our girls in heaven one day. I will be praying for you and your family.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone, as I’m sure many people have already told you. You’ll make it through this, it won’t be easy but you will. I’ve been through something similar. Lost my first pregnancy at 20 weeks bc of a rare genetic condition. Lost another pregnancy early on not long after that loss. The decision to move forward and try again is incredibly difficult. But if it is what you know in your heart you want, you will know what to do. If I had hesitated I wouldn’t have my 3 little girls today. I think about my first daughter every single day. I will never forget a second of the pregnancy or her delivery – what she looked like, how she smelled. But I also thank god every single day for what we have been blessed with, including that first baby.
You are in my thoughts.
Danielle – My daughter, Ruby, was stillborn in May at 38 weeks pregnant. While 4 months have gone by, I still share many (if not all) of your same emotions. I am so sorry for your loss and know all too well that there is nothing I can say to make it better. But I did want to say thank you. Thank you for speaking out. I have started a blog as well (dearrubymae.wordpress.com) hoping to provide support to families suffering like ours. To let them know they are not alone. The more we TALK about this, the more likely it will be that additional research and resources will be devoted to preventing heartbreak like ours. I will keep your family in my thoughts and know that there are brighter days ahead, with Aila always in your heart.
I am so sorry for your loss. It has been 17 years for me, and it seems just like it was yesterday.
I was 37 years old and found out I was pregnant with our fifth child. I really thought I was done having kids….but…..here I was. Having four sons….maybe this was our girl.
At 31 weeks, I started bleeding. We were out of town, with our very young boys, and my husband gathered them and me up and off to the nearest hospital we went.
After hooking me up to the monitor, the baby’s heartbeat plummeted. I was rushed into the O.R. for a c-section. When I woke up, I found out that I had a beautiful baby girl. She weighed 3’10”. Wow! I had a girl!
The only thing was, that, she had a velementous insertion of the umbilical cord. The blood that was coming out was her blood. They revived her after 20 minutes, but after six days, nothing else could be done. She passed 12 hours after we removed her from life support.
I opted to try to get pregnant right away, since I was 37. I got pregnant a year later and lost that pregnancy after 10 weeks a year to the day that our Carolina passed. At this point I am like thinking….What is God doing here?
Well, I opted to not have a D and C, which was a huge mistake. I bled so bad. Then after I did have one, I immediately got pregnant!
Finally, after two years, I had my last son….yes another son….but we would not trade him for the world.
We still think about Carolina daily….She would have been 17 years old in August. It is still hard for both of us, but, we have our last son to keep us happy….along with those four other boys!
So many sad stories and so many tears. I am over 60 and my loss story ( over 30 yrs ago ) includes premature twin boys born too soon at 23 weeks and a infant daughter born too soon at 26 weeks. We had one boy at the time. We did adopt a beautiful baby girl and when the time seemed right and the wish overcame the fear, we went on to have a successful pregnancy and beautiful large boy. One never forgets, and there is always that shadow grief that says ” I had more children.. and they are not with me “… but I am testament to survival. I still can recall that deep grief and aloneness.. so you are not alone. I wish you well and pray for God’s peace on your lives.
I feel down the front steps at my old house when I was six months. I’m handicap and couldn’t get up. I ask my ex husband to fix tbe rail for months. He was a drunk and very abusive. I laid in our front yard. In labor for five hours. My neighbor finally came home and called 911. No one could reach my husband. He was at a bar with a girl L he worked with. I was so far along the doctor said I had to have her because she had crowned but there was no heartbeat. My husband worked at this hospital. He walked he just as Carly Elisabeth was born. The doctors said sha was dead but I swear I heard her sigh. They didn’t even let me hold her because my drunk husband told them not to. I saw my baby as they were taking her away and she was all pink and beautiful. I know it sounds crazy but I don’t believe my baby was dead. My ex donated her to science and blamed me for losing her. My arms still long to hold her.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Your experience, feelings, and reflection deeply resonate with my own. Soon after our loss, I shared our story, resource links, and tips for loved ones on a website (link below), with the hope that others find it helpful. Thank you so much for speaking out on a subject that is so often avoided and hushed.
I am praying about your family every day. I myself have Osteogenesis Imperfecta. However i am Type I. To have this disease you must be a strong willed person. For Aila to come into the world for a short time shows strength. Her strength will shine through you. I know it sounds silly, but she will always be with you. I pray for peace for you and your family.
You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. Thank you for your courage and generosity in publishing your and your daughter’s story. You have spread more light into the world by doing so, including with your optimism and gratitude.
My baby girl, Hannah Jean Ward, was born June 27, 2014 and passed away July 6, 2014. We had 9 beautiful days with her that I will never forget. The night we found out she wasn’t going to make it, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and took pictures that I will treasure forever. Your story brought me to tears because it really hit home, I know the feelings and emotions you are going through all to well. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Danielle – I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I just lost my sweet little boy, Norman, at 36 weeks in early August. I am blessed to have an incredible support system of family and friends and an amazing three year old. . .but even with all the love and support in the world, it doesn’t bring back my sweet Norman. I pride myself in being a very positive person and always looking on the bright side but this life experience has really put that to the test. But I know that Norman would want me to be happy, all he knew was love and happiness for 36 weeks. Somehow that reassuring thought has brought me some peace. Sending you love. . .
I am in tears. We had several losses of our own. May God bless and keep your family on the good and the bad days.
I happened upon your story through a recipe post on Facebook. Now, through tears, I send you prayers and hugs. Thank you, thank you for your amazing faith and strong love of Jesus. Your sweet Aila is with Him and you will be together again. You are here to bring others to Him. Through your incredible suffering, you are witnessing Jesus’ love to so many. May God’s love surround you and comfort you when you need it the most. Blessings
Danielle, thank you for sharing your story about Aila. I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet girl. We are currently expecting our second child, a daughter we’ve named Gianna, and she’s been diagnosed with a fatal condition called anencephaly. It is a hard road to walk as we prepare for her life and birth; I only have a month or two left – I am so excited to meet her but so afraid to lose her. Although we would never wish this upon anyone, it is comforting to know there are so many other women out there who have been through this. Prayers for you and your family.
To all those who have experienced this kind of loss, may you find strength in the love of your family and friends, and in this beautiful song…
I feel such compassion and tears. Danielle-thank you for sharing your Aila with us. Your thoughts and feelings are raw and beautiful. Your beautiful love is something that she carries with her in heaven and she is sending her love to you (her wonderful Mama) from heaven.
Thank you for posting this <3 I lost my baby girl VERY unexpectedly at 41 weeks , July 13th 2017. . . One day she was healthy & fine… the next her heart had just stopped beating. I was completely blindsided… It helps to hear other stories though <3
I am just now finding this article. Like you, we suffered a stillbirth. The pain is unbearable. I have been in therapy, and I know life includes suffering, but this pain is just so crushing. Reading this captures so many of my feelings. “ There are days when I wish life here could just be over so I could be with her sooner.”- I feel this to my core. I hope to one day have living children. Thank you for sharing your story.